Bright Ideas

So I watched this documentary called “Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead” where this guy, Joe Cross, goes on a juice fast for 60 days and documents his journey.  A juice fast entails buying a juicer and consuming only the juice from raw fruits and veggies, basically for as long as you can stand it.  The juice acts as a natural detox for your system and you can drop over a pound per day while on it.  During the movie, as Joe travels across the country, he meets people and asks them about their weight and eating habits.  It’s kind of eye opening how much the average joe is overweight and just doesn’t seem to care about health. 

When I quit smoking a couple years ago, I was not in a very good place and I substituted food for cigarettes.  In a few months I went from 280 up to nearly 350.  A couple years later after several failed attempts to lose the weight, I found a gym partner and we have been dedicated to working out almost every day.  After 5 weeks of hitting it pretty hard and regulating what I eat, I have gone from 360 down to 339. 

Today is day 3 of the juice fast my buddy Alex and I have embarked upon.  I have already lost 5 pounds which brings me down to 334.  We are continuing our weightlifting and cardio routine and hope to speed up our results by juicing.  I’m not going to lie and say it has been easy.  It sucks.  I love food.  I am a good cook when I actually do and there are few things in life as amazing and satisfying to me as a good meal.  Add to that I work at a restaurant, and, well…

So aside from craving absolutely everything and being hungry most of the time, I am kinda cranky.  I have never been good at telling myself no, but this is going to be hard.  My motivation is not health, although it is obviously a benefit.  It is not for anyone else, a girl, or anything like that.  I simply want to be able to look at myself in the mirror.  If you’ve never had an issue with weight, then you don’t know.  You just don’t.  Just like never having kids, or having been addicted to anything.                          

I think I am finally at a place where I am doing things for the right reasons and mature enough to stick it out.  I definitely am seeking a lifestyle change, not just a quick fix without putting in the work.  I value integrity and I have already told a lot of people about what we are doing, so I do have that little bit of extra motivation to keep my word.  At any rate, we’ll see how this goes.  The goal is 30 days.  Not completely sure I can do it, but I’m gonna give it a shot.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Provision

My absent companion beckons softly

Unknown but for splendor in imagination;

Buried inside a hopeless tomb

Where I am secret, out of sight.

She remains always tragically aloof

Mysterious, vacant from my embrace;

A whispering incantation

Taunting cruelly.

Would I have eyes to see her

As straining toward a distant light?

I am forsaken in love,

Weathered and weary with the passage of time.

Alone I struggle against an idea

Without form or substance;

Plagues of inadequacy and doubt, fear and depression

Stifling my very breath in the emptiness of night.

Firestorms of youthful fervor

Flicker now in solitary abandon;

Still my prayers ascend ever vigilant

Despite the doubts of a wounded heart.

I ask openly, exposed,

For even a glimpse of her,

As magnificent and lovely as she must be;

My haunting enigma.

Amazing Grace

When I first moved to Seattle I had what I thought was a dream job working in the drum shop at Guitar Center in Lynnwood.  I had charge of my own drum shop and nearly autonomous control of over 100K in drums.  I began to build relationships with people and get plugged into the community as a result.  One of the amazing people I got to know was Mike.  He and I shared similar vision for improving drum hardware and product design.  Mike actually went so far as to build his own hardware and modify existing gear to fit his personal needs.  I admired his intensity and his passion for the craft as well as his vision for the future.  As far as experiences went, he is someone who has lived a crazy unique life, seemingly full of adventures, ups and downs and everything in between.

As the Lord would have it (explanation later) we ended up as roommates for a time in lovely Everett.  We had some intense conversations about life and the meaning of, God, etc…  Mike is a rare kind of man.  He has risen above so many things that would have destroyed lesser men, and he has done it time and again.  He is extremely intelligent yet down to earth.  He has a strong sense of self and he owns his life with an impenetrable confidence.  He has no tolerance for bullshit.  He has a vitality that belies his age and I look up to him.  Our debates would always seem to hit a brick wall at the concept of faith.  Looking back now, I can clearly see the gaping hole in his life.  The hole that can only be filled with the love of Jesus.

I was in the beginning stages of a debilitating life crash that Christ would use to bring me back to the church and to Epic Life.  Mike and I were not really compatible housemates and our time together came to an abrupt end which resulted in us not talking for about two years.  From time to time I would think about Mike with regret for the way I acted, things I’d done or hadn’t done.  I need to point out that I was not living as a Christ follower when I knew Mike.  I have said that I’ve always been a believer, just not an example. 

Today I get a call from Mike who tracked me down through mutual acquaintances.  Instantly I felt compelled to apologize for the way our relationship ended, so I did.  He responded with an apology of his own and told me all was forgiven because I had been directly responsible for him becoming a Christian. 

I lost it.  Just started crying like a baby.  I have prayed for the opportunity to bring His love to someone, a chance to answer the great commission.  This is the might and power of my God.  He speaks into hearts through wretches like me, not to fulfill some desire of mine, but for the glory of the kingdom of Heaven.  Even our lowest points in life where we are lost and all hope is abandoned, when we can’t help but f things up and we are not even thinking about Him,  Even those things He will use for the Glory of God almighty.  In all things praise Him, my friends, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, because if our God if for us, then what could stand against?

Pixie Dust

Ok.  I have been praying for companionship for a while, you know, someone pretty who smells good, who likes me and wants to spend time with me.  It can be pretty easy to get swept up in all the hooking up going on around here, too.  God has pointed out to me, though, that I am not 25 years old anymore.  He has also shown me that even though I may have a lot of experience dating and with relationships, being in a committed Christ centered relationship is something I have no experience with.

I am on average a decade older that most of the Epic set and I realize I’m prone to be a little more stuck in my ways.  I am still learning to accept my new self and to forgive my own past without dwelling there on that person.  I also know there is a certain amount of wisdom that can only come through living life.  (Not that I am wise by any means)  I am thankful for the youthful spirit of this body and how they have been a revitalizing influence on me.  I just need to find that balance of who I am in Epic.

Thinking about girls and the possibility of settling down the other day suddenly filled me with crippling anxiety and fear.  “What is going on?” I asked myself.  Somehow the curtains were drawn open and I saw myself with a family and the reality of it scared the $#!* out of me.  “Wow,” I thought.  Then I recalled a conversation I’d had recently where I said “If I have a family at some point and I get all depressed reminiscing about the good old days of bachelor carefree living and how the stress of family life just seems too overwhelming, I hope the single me shows up and kicks me square in the junk.” 

Being single sucks.  God has a reason for everything, I get it.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

Back to the topic.  It is intimidating to say the least, to approach dating someone with the mentality of seeking a spouse.  This is not how we are taught by the world to view dating.  Instead we are just casually browsing the babe department and trying out different relationships until we find one that fits.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be!  God has chosen our mates and we need to pay attention to life in order to see that. 

Of course it’s intimidating when you see an attractive member of the opposite sex and you start to get excited, but then you get a flash of marriage and kids and the whole kit and caboodle.  It is supposed to be that way.  It’s intimidating because it is important.  This is not something to be taken lightly or on a whim.  You need to take the time to invest in the relationship before it is even a relationship.  Do you really want to decide who to date (sorry, marry) because they have a cute tush and a nice smile?  What about who they are truly?  Do they need to work some internal crap out that might ultimately destroy your relationship?  Are they right with God?

I have a little Peter Pan Syndrome.  I don’t wanna grow up.  The Lord is beside me with His hand gently on my back, urging me forward, and I am reluctantly inching along while looking back over my shoulder.  I like being a kid.  Being a kid is easy, but it doesn’t bring true happiness and it is self serving.  I made a commitment to my Father and I am learning how to honor it through Him.  Yeah, marriage is a little scary, but the flip side to that coin is that my Father who created me has also put on this earth my custom made companion.  My soul mate with whom I get to share this life with.  I can’t wait to meet her and I know all I can do is remain prayerfully vigilant, ask for the wisdom to follow the path He has set for me so that one day I might find her, and when I do that I would have the strength to be the Christ loving man of her dreams.

The Body

I was reflecting the other day on the events of the day thus far, the typical Sunday for me with Epic Life Church.  I usually get up around 6:30am so I can load up instruments from the Axis and be at the theater by 7:15.  Set up for the band takes over an hour of combined work by the band plus five or more extra volunteers.  As we’re doing our sound check, another crew is setting up children’s church and still others are putting sandwich boards out, setting up tables and coffee in the lobby, etc…

This week we were absent our Lead Pastor, but our “Leader” still showed up in a big way.  One of the things I think is so special about our little church is that most of the people who attend are involved in some way in running it.  Our service to attendance ratio is huge.  That speaks volumes about the path we are on being ordained, our leaders being called and our mission being true.

Watching our body step in to fill the gaps is so cool.  It’s not just Sundays either, some ones got a car that needs work, it gets fixed at little to no charge.  If you’ve got some home repairs that you need help with, a ride to the airport, it’s all taken care of.  That’s the body of Christ taking care of itself in order to remain healthy and strong, because if we can’t take care of our self, how are we to spread the love of Christ in our community?

I just wanted to acknowledge everyone and spread some love around.  You are special, you are loved and you are a light in the darkness, Epic Life.  I can’t even tell you with words.  I wish I could just give the whole church a big hug and buy you stuff or grant each of you a wish or something.  

Its Been A While

I confess to writing a couple times and deciding not to post because of the people who read this stuff.  I guess that knowing who some of you are has me editing myself maybe more than I would have intended.  Not to worry.  I resolved not to care what you think about me and post whatever the hell I feel like.  Who are you to judge me?

I am taking a lot onto my plate lately.  I work a full time job 5 nights a week that, for the most part, I loathe.  I have music practice once or twice a week, I attend 2 House Churches, one I will be leading, one I co-lead.  I am also a House Church Pastor Coach, which means I keep in touch with a group of Pastors regularly.  I am on the Design Team for organizing and planning Sunday Gatherings, I usually set up and tear down at Services, I am involved in a few intentional mentor/mentee relationships, I am an Editor/Administrator for our monthly Journal, and I have been volunteering down at our garden project a couple times a week. 

I try to manage all this with prayer time, reading the Bible as well as any devotional or educational literature that I am supposed to be reading at the moment, and keeping a quasi-regular schedule at the gym while also trying not to eat junk : )

In reality, some of these things get dropped, ignored, forgotten about completely.  I don’t have a schedule I stick to, no long term goals at the moment, and I am under the mistaken impression that things will somehow get better.  I am drowning in life and blindly hoping for a miracle.  How can someone who sucks at faith have such high hopes?  Does that even make sense?  How is hope different than faith?

I guess its action.  Hope doesn’t require anything from me.  Faith demands that I take action.  I don’t possess the power to accomplish anything great on my own, and I know that.  I have experienced great things through the help of God, and I know when it comes down to it, He will do the hard stuff.  I have seen it in my own life, so why is it so hard to have faith?  He says, “Ask and it shall be given freely…”

Pray for faith for me brothers and sisters.  Pray for wisdom.  I need all the help I can get, TTFN.  Check ya later

blank

I spy an empty book

Waiting for a story to hold

A pane of glass

Waiting for a stone to be thrown

In the breaking

A new composition

So I will be torn

In an effort to change

Who’s to say where

A man’s fortune lies

Behind the pale stare

Of his hardened eyes

In his chest a rhythm

Beating powerful and true

You can’t put your hands

On the genuine measure of a man

I offer myself up

Knowing I am not enough

Somehow, through grace

I am redeemed,

All my transgressions forgiven.

Guilt still plagues my heart

It knows I deserve not

So I struggle each moment

Crippled with doubt

Identity

You know, one would think that as you invest in a life centered around Christ, reading your Bible, attending gatherings to be taught, spending time around people who share your beliefs and challenge you to continue your growth, that it might just become a little easier as you go…  Nope.  It actually feels like it gets harder.  I guess you begin to see all the little areas in your life that need improvement and if you don’t have a solid faith base, it can become overwhelming really quickly.

The good Lord, in all His wisdom, has been stripping me down pretty good lately.  I didn’t understand why certain things were happening in my life (or not happening).  I have been a Christian for a while, made the change to be with Epic Life Church two years ago and rededicated my life to Him.  I confessed my ignorance and inability to live a worthy life by my own power, and gave the reigns over. 

My life has changed dramatically (from the inside).  I can see growth in certain areas of my life and I will tell you that it is ALL because of God.  One of the things that got me to that point a couple years ago was financial trouble.  I’ve since had my truck repossessed, lost my cool apartment, broken up with the girlfriend, etc…  And I am still crippled by a lack of money.  Right???

God has been showing me, by taking things away from me that I think are important, that I need to find my identity first in Him.   It’s like Christianity 101.  Some of these things are harder than others to let go of.  I want to be free from them because I know they become false idols and they stand between me and my Creator.  I am not a drummer, I am a child of God who has been given the gift of musicianship.  I am not my occupation, I am a brother of Christ and my labor is a tribute to Him who died for my sins and a testament to my faith to those around me.  I do not need great wealth, my Lord will provide me with everything I need.

As we are taught in James to rejoice even in our trials, I have faith (although I’m not really rejoicing to be honest) that I am where I am for a reason, and that God does have a plan to provide me with the thongs I need.  I know from experience that if I can’t see it, then it usually means I have put things between me and God that obscure my vision.  I feel changes on the horizon, though.  As we (Epic I mean) move into another season of growth, I sense my own part in whatever He has planned for us.  I only hope I can rise to meet the challenges in a way that truly honors God and helps to bring others closer to Him. 

So, without being angry with God, I feel like some of the people from the Bible who cry out to Him in frustration.  “What, Lord?  What would you have me do?”  I have sought the answer through service, by things like working in our community garden.  I was happy to help and the work served as its own reward…  And it ended up costing me money I needed to pay my bills.  When I had to use more bill money to replace my work clothes that got torn, what was that?  I can’t afford basic amenities, Lord.  You know I am not afraid of hard work.

I confess to being dishonest with money.  I feel the weight of it sometimes so heavily and I want so badly to be free from constantly worrying about it, feeling guilty for every dollar I spend, being angry because I’m stuck at a job that gives me so little, not being able to find work I feel I deserve.  I want to be able to contribute to my church.  I want to be able to buy my family birthday gifts. I want to be able to pay for repairs on my truck that’s falling apart.  Surely you would not deny your servant the simple ability to provide for himself? 

Here I am.  Wondering what it is this time that’s keeping me from seeing.  I am begging you, Lord.  It is time to break the cycle of frustration and despair.  Any time spent worrying about money is wasted time.  It tears up my body from the inside out and I want freedom from its wrenching claws.  I want to be a man who seeks Your kingdom, not the things of the earth.  I want to own my true identity in You, God.

The Bounce

Every so often I find I need to kind of recalibrate, you know, do a factory reset on my brain.  Some things get out of whack and emotions come in and distort everything to the point where nothing makes any sense and it’s time for a head check.

Recently an old friend from out of town came to visit.  I love her like a sister and will always have a soft spot for her, but like all family is capable of, she can really get to me sometimes. 

Jill is an enabler and a fixer.  I like to vent my issues to just about everyone and make my conclusions up as I go.  What happens when we get together sometimes is she tries to come in like mama bird and tell me how to get better, and all I’m looking for is a friend to listen.

I admit I’ve been in a little funk lately, but I can say that my mood swings are getting a lot less frequent and less damaging to those around me.  As I grow up and into my walk with Christ I am able to see some of these things clearer and work on them. 

So last week I was feeling overwhelmed with life and my complete lack of finances, and when a couple other random things came at me I was already on the ropes.  I fell.  I got pissed off, then depressed, and somebody told me something that I already knew, was already feeling, but somehow just could not find the strength to do.  Read the Bible.

Seek God.  Why does it have to be hardest to seek Him when you need Him most?  That’s just the way it is, I suppose.  So here I am.  I have come full circle, feeling more confident than I have recently, though.  The downward spiral which used to consume my life for weeks at a time, now usually last a couple days.  It’s not me, it’s Him.

I used to wallow in my self destructive pity and rage, hating myself.  Imagine that if you can.  Truly hating your own body, your personality, who you are, your character.  It’s just like you’re giving God the finger.  So every now and then, I need to hit the reset button.  I need to remember that I am created by my Father who loves me and chose this life for me because He loves me.  The God of the Universe who created creation loves me, what else matters?

Really?!?!

So I’m smack dab in the middle of week 2 KILLING myself at the gym.  I have taken only one day off.  I’m not eating burgers and shakes at my work, I’ve nearly cut out soda, and no more late night snacks.  My work out partner is an active duty military man who literally pushes me to the point of puking. 

I decided (against my better judgment) to hop on the scale at the end of our two hour shoulder onslaught today only to find that in the span of 11 days that I have GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!  Mother $%&*$&!!! 

What is wrong with my body?  I do cardio to the point my legs start to buckle, I watch what I eat, I train really hard…  I know it’s only been 11 days, but what about those fat people at the Biggest Loser?  They put up serious numbers the first couple weeks. 

I do feel pretty good, though, especially after a good workout.  Kinda like the Incredible Hulk.  Grrrr.  Wish I looked like the Hulk.  Only not green.  Anyway – I still get winded going up two flights of stairs, and you know, it would just be nice to start to see the hard work paying off. 

Hebrews talks about all the people in the Bible who kept the faith, even through prison and martyrdom.  All the people who remained faithful to Jesus even though they never got to see the promises He made fulfilled here on earth.  I think I need to go back there and find inspiration.

Self Destruction and the Devil

Sometimes I get angry.  It seems to come from inside me, but does it?  In a moment I can go from ok to pissed, then, if unchecked, right into fury.  I am starting to notice familiar patterns where this is concerned, though, and it makes me wonder if it’s even me at all.

I am pretty good at beating myself up.  I’m ugly, I’m fat, I have nothing to offer anyone, I’m immature, and I don’t love God enough.  See?  I know everyone deals with these issues, its part of the human condition, but it’s when I am feeling especially beat up by these feelings that the evil one (I call him Mr. Black) sneaks in.

I don’t even know he’s there, but his footholds are the very things that shake my foundations, my self worth, and confidence.  He uses those things to find a place to strike when I’m vulnerable, whenever that is.  It isn’t always anger either, Mr. B uses depression masterfully.  Whether I’m struck with a case of the F*#@ its, or I just feel like crawling into my bed for the next hundred years.

Recently my mom has been encouraging me to just give EVERYTHING to God.  In the very moment things start to go south, stop, give it up, and replace it with a spiritual truth.  “Even though you don’t feel it right at that moment and you have to do it through clenched teeth,” she said, it will have the desired effect.  Something to do with reprogramming your neural pathways. 

It amazes me sometimes how things we seem to have known already, maybe even for years, can suddenly take on a whole new life for us.  I attribute that to He who makes all things new.  They are like little gifts, the revelations He gives you.  Sometimes they are warm and fuzzy and other times they shatter your perception of life. 

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, for better or worse, I like to communicate and know where other people are coming from.  I am not good at reading people, so that’s probably why I like conversation so much.  Some of the best conversations happen when you are getting to know someone for the first time, I love those.  Even though it seems a bit like talking to myself, this blog has been good for me.  It helps me work stuff out and learn to be pretty open and vulnerable.  Thanks for reading if you do, and, if you do, let’s talk.  Good conversation, good coffee, good people, there are some pretty amazing things God has given us to share in this life, so why don’t we?

Heavy

Monica, my boss at Kidd Valley, is a pretty cool chick.  She’s only a couple years older than me, she’s a single mom, ex musician, and she has been with Kidd Valley for something like 20 years.  She recently started Weight Watchers with a friend and has lost over 40 lbs.  We talk about dieting and encourage each other about working out and being healthy.  We also talk about Biggest Loser and she brought up the new show Heavy. 

Last night, after I thought I permanently screwed up my back in the gym, I shuffled to my car.  You know the kind of walk where you’re trying not to use ANY core muscles but you’re spasming anyway?  Once I was able to sit, I was ok.  Got home and On Demanded the show Heavy. 

I literally had tears in my eyes the whole time.  I work at a place that might as well be handing out little slow death pills.  An average meal can consist of over 2000 calories with over 50g saturated fat.  Most of my customers are overweight.  Most of my country is overweight.  I am overweight. 

I have made a commitment to myself to get healthy and I have been following through with that commitment.  I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to change and how most of your problems are psychological.  I know what kind of work it takes to initiate the change and I really feel for the people who feel hopeless.  I want to help them somehow. 

Maybe God is trying to show me something, I don’t know.  I just know the first step is to get myself right.  It’s a long, hard battle, but I’m already fighting it.

Love

Went to a marriage seminar yesterday given by Epic Life Church.  Although there was a ton of useful information about relationships in general, I don’t know if I agree fully on their opinions of love.  I have never had a Christ centered relationship with a girl, so I couldn’t speak on it with authority, but I have had long term relationships, and I have been in love, very much.

I understand that God IS love and that love in its truest form (Agape) is unconditional and bigger than I can imagine.  The love that I have experienced (Eros) has felt plenty overwhelming at times to me, and still lingers for a couple people years later.  I don’t want to have residual feelings for these women whom I don’t even have any contact with now.  We have all moved on with our lives.  My question is, if that love isn’t real, and is supposed to die after two years, then why do I still carry these emotions?

I also understand now that if you allow yourself to take your relationships beyond a certain point, that you are imprinting that person forever into you.  Done.   Now, no matter where you go, what you do, for the rest of your life, you will carry that person around in your head forever.  What you don’t have any control over is when this person will suddenly appear in your mind.  During an intimate moment with your new spouse, in the middle of a Sunday church service, etc…

I don’t know.  I will look for the answers in the Bible.  I am excited by the topic and I am thankful for the talk.  I am a pretty emotional person, though I try not to inflict them so much on others.  And I am selfish.  I want love.  From the awkward first few months to the getting to know you deep conversations, to the can’t imagine life without you.  I want to share my life with someone who truly understands me, and who I can grow alongside, who will lift me up as I lift her.  I want to give my life to a God and a girl who I love so completely and passionately that it oozes out my pores.

You can’t help but wonder if that person is out there right now.  Is it someone I already know?  If so, can she really see the true me?  Am I the example right now that I want to be for God, for the church?  Am I able to see her for who she truly is?  Am I open to the Lords direction, His will in this?  When I look around and see my friends, guys and girls, I wonder who God will choose for them.  I can hardly wait to meet Dave’s wife.  If Dave is that important in my life and such a dear friend, then his wife will truly be someone special, you know?

It’s all so exciting and can’t ever happen fast enough, so in the mean time, sweet wife, whoever you are, I already love you, you bring me so much joy just knowing you’re out there waiting for me.  I promise to be true, to love, honor and cherish you, never to stop pursuing you, to grow in my walk with Christ so that I can be strong for you.  I will pray for you daily, for your relationship with Christ, for your health and wellbeing, for your family – present and future, for your children whom you’ve yet to meet. 

A Psalm Of Brokenness

See me.

I am a body, hands and feet.

I have a will to suit me.

Mine is a mastery of indulgence

Under the guise of freedom,

Denying myself little

In the pursuit of happiness;

Exhausted, alone and afraid.

Things I’ve done

Don’t scare me half as much

As when you see me.

I can’t meet your eyes.

You are not like the rest, you see my heart.

Your honesty shines like a torch

To burn through the secret of night

And all her lies.

Before you I am humbled,

On my knees, overcome;

Enveloped by the intensity

Of your passionate love.

Hear my cry, my King,

Let your Spirit take root in my soul.

Shine through my vessel

With the light of a million stars.

Let me give voice to your word

To all who would hear,

Praise to your name

For the rest of my years;

Restore the gift of life

To your lost lamb as you take my hand.

Lead me on the path

That I might be closer always to you.

35

Well, here it is, the big day.  Of course you never really feel older, it's kind of a mental adjustment you make (or not) to accept certain inescapable truths.  I am older.  I am closer to death, the end of this life as I know it.  My opportunities are fewer, the possible outcomes of my life have shrunk even further.  Hopefully, I have gained a little more wisdom and understanding.  Along with that, humility, grace and the kind of temperance that comes with age.  I know that I appreciate things more.  From the simplest gestures, to the grandest notions.  Sometimes it overwhelms me to the point I am glad there is no one around to see the tears in my eyes.  Most of all, in my moments of utmost clarity, I am just so thankful.  Thankful to be here at all.  To have ears to hear beautiful music, to have eyes to see creations majesty, to have a heart that longs for love, for the primal beast inside me that loves the thundering roar of gargantuan drums.

So... as I am supposed to have achieved a certain level of maturity (insert smart ass remark) I have committed to getting back into shape.  I joined a gym and have been attempting to do at least some cardio training daily.  I worked out with my friend Brent yesterday for almost two hours.  I wish I could work with him every day.  It is inspiring to work with him and I appreciate his heart.  I have to confess, though, I get easily discouraged in that place because there are mirrors everywhere and all I can see is how far I have let myself go and the distance to where I want to be seems utterly insurmountable.

A word about fat.  I have pretty much always been a little overweight.  Not obese, but a few extra pounds.  A couple years ago I quit smoking and over the next several months, I gained almost 80 pounds.  I am six foot three inches tall, and even in my best shape in High School football, I weighed close to 250.  I was pretty lean.  Since then I have hovered around 275 until recently.  Now I weigh in at 350.  Thats Biggest Loser contestant big.

No one ever says, "I'm gonna get fat."  For whatever reason, you adopt eating as your escape and comfort, and start to withdraw from the world.  You stop going out and being active, doing the things that keep you healthy and in reasonable shape until one magic day, you look in the mirror and realize what you've really done.  The other thong you don't realize is that you have become the person you have made all kinds of judgments against in the past.  People now look at you differently and begin to write you off, even your closest friends treat you differently, though they might not even realize it.

A word about me.  I have always, and will likely continue, to do things the hard way.  I create the problems in my life that require the most effort to overcome.  I started smoking, which any addict will tell you, is one of the hardest addictions to beat.  I let my body go.  I now face the daunting task of re sculpting the body that I was given to take care of and protect as the house of God who dwells in me.  This too, is incredibly hard and just like smoking, will require some serious spiritual assistance.

I would ask for your prayers in my efforts to get healthy.  I feel like there is a whole other me that most of my friends don't even know, and he's hiding inside me somewhere.  I realize there are parts of me that are gone forever and growing up is a virus we all must one day succumb to.  Just not.......quite.........yet.......

Company

You never said you wanted anything from me;

A soft return for another quiet morning,

the early fog a gift,

Sheltering breakfast without words.

It’s ok to be, enjoy the company;

Even if it means someone is crying

Somewhere, all alone.

These are the choices I have made

This is my life

Here is the place where I am free

To be just me

Sunday morning,

Sunday, I love you;

I wasn’t sure at all Monday

If I’d ever see you again.

But my worries have all been slept away

At least for half a day,

As good a place to be as any.

The pieces of my heart

Are coming together now;

It’s gonna take time,

And I wonder if you’ll still be here

Especially when it’s not pretty?

For now I suppose it’s good enough,

I’ll take what I can get.

These are the choices I have made

This is my life

Here is me, I am free

To be

The Servant

From out of the ground

The body of man

Breath of life and consciousness

Still he returns

To the ground again

His bones the dust

Kicked up by another’s feet

All the moments of a life

Piled one onto another

Amount to nothing

No tangible evidence

Of existence

To whom then

Will you give your praise

If everything amounts to nothing

And the sum of all things

Is zero

How then does anything matter

Truly

In the face of such emptiness

The only true happiness I have found

In these, my days above ground

Is in the service of others

Plans

The bad days…

Starting to outnumber the good;

I’m having to make stuff up

To fill in the empty spaces

Where nothing seems to fit.

If I called for help, would you?

We could pretend for a while;

You don’t have to love me.

Would you, for me,

Let me into you again?

Our grand schemes always

Seemed to evaporate

In the new light of dawn;

Leaving us drained, dull.

Reluctant, I’ll learn my way again;

Crawl back into my old skin.

Unremarkable

There’s no name for what I’m feeling;

Dull, uncomfortable and restless

Without the will for action.

Defeated?  Maybe.  With a deeper sense

Of loss;  I am convicted in my loneliness

And there is no one – at least whom I know

To pull me out, dry me off

I don’t know why I stray

Sometimes so far away from me.

My mind on walkabout through the clouds;

Eyes watery, losing focus I seize

Familiar trappings. 

Their warm glow like a siren’s call

Wooing me from the shelves;

Crying out to my consuming nature,

It’s safe here, everything will be ok.

nube

I have been reading some peoples blogs lately and have been inspired to start my own.  I was talking to a friend at church today and realized that blogging is kind of a cool way to get to know people you can't always spend the time face to face hanging out with. My work schedule keeps me busy every night of the week and our church body seems to be expanding at such a rate that one can't possibly know everybody.

So...About me, I am turning 35 on Friday.  I have spent the past fifteen years pursuing a career in music.  I have spent most of my adult life living for the moment, not really ever thinking about the future, or living for anyone but me and whatever I felt like doing at the time.

When I turned 30, I started to take stock of my life. It became clear to me that whatever I accomplished would be ultimately futile, since I was only out to fulfill whatever my current desire happened to be, and that this would not benefit anyone but me.  I would simply be another self indulgent me monkey striving for personal gain while ignoring the bigger picture.

I have known God since I was little.  Let me rephrase that, I have known about God since I was little.  I was raised in a Christian home, taken to church, even had some really amazing Christian friends.  But I never really knew God.  I have always believed, just a gut instinct kind of feeling, but I was never willing to turn my life over to a God I didn't really know.

What I didn't realize was although I had dismissed God, He had not given up on me.  He had always placed people in my life to remind me that He would never give up on me.  Throughout the years He has been ever present and always welcomed me back when I needed Him.

Now, as I have come back once again, this time putting His word to the test and accepting His will for my life, I have begun to understand this creator who made me what I am.  I have seen His work in my life and in the lives of others.  Life never ceases to be a struggle for me and though I am closer to the Lord than I have ever been, I still feel abandoned, hopeless and frustration roars up so huge inside me I want to rage.

No matter what I've done, no matter where I am, I always feel like I am at the base of the mountain whose peak is far beyond my ability so see, or even know.  As I lift my foot from the ground and take the first step again in faith, I remember the words of King Solomon from Ecclesiastes 2;

 ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.