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I spy an empty book

Waiting for a story to hold

A pane of glass

Waiting for a stone to be thrown

In the breaking

A new composition

So I will be torn

In an effort to change

Who’s to say where

A man’s fortune lies

Behind the pale stare

Of his hardened eyes

In his chest a rhythm

Beating powerful and true

You can’t put your hands

On the genuine measure of a man

I offer myself up

Knowing I am not enough

Somehow, through grace

I am redeemed,

All my transgressions forgiven.

Guilt still plagues my heart

It knows I deserve not

So I struggle each moment

Crippled with doubt

Identity

You know, one would think that as you invest in a life centered around Christ, reading your Bible, attending gatherings to be taught, spending time around people who share your beliefs and challenge you to continue your growth, that it might just become a little easier as you go…  Nope.  It actually feels like it gets harder.  I guess you begin to see all the little areas in your life that need improvement and if you don’t have a solid faith base, it can become overwhelming really quickly.

The good Lord, in all His wisdom, has been stripping me down pretty good lately.  I didn’t understand why certain things were happening in my life (or not happening).  I have been a Christian for a while, made the change to be with Epic Life Church two years ago and rededicated my life to Him.  I confessed my ignorance and inability to live a worthy life by my own power, and gave the reigns over. 

My life has changed dramatically (from the inside).  I can see growth in certain areas of my life and I will tell you that it is ALL because of God.  One of the things that got me to that point a couple years ago was financial trouble.  I’ve since had my truck repossessed, lost my cool apartment, broken up with the girlfriend, etc…  And I am still crippled by a lack of money.  Right???

God has been showing me, by taking things away from me that I think are important, that I need to find my identity first in Him.   It’s like Christianity 101.  Some of these things are harder than others to let go of.  I want to be free from them because I know they become false idols and they stand between me and my Creator.  I am not a drummer, I am a child of God who has been given the gift of musicianship.  I am not my occupation, I am a brother of Christ and my labor is a tribute to Him who died for my sins and a testament to my faith to those around me.  I do not need great wealth, my Lord will provide me with everything I need.

As we are taught in James to rejoice even in our trials, I have faith (although I’m not really rejoicing to be honest) that I am where I am for a reason, and that God does have a plan to provide me with the thongs I need.  I know from experience that if I can’t see it, then it usually means I have put things between me and God that obscure my vision.  I feel changes on the horizon, though.  As we (Epic I mean) move into another season of growth, I sense my own part in whatever He has planned for us.  I only hope I can rise to meet the challenges in a way that truly honors God and helps to bring others closer to Him. 

So, without being angry with God, I feel like some of the people from the Bible who cry out to Him in frustration.  “What, Lord?  What would you have me do?”  I have sought the answer through service, by things like working in our community garden.  I was happy to help and the work served as its own reward…  And it ended up costing me money I needed to pay my bills.  When I had to use more bill money to replace my work clothes that got torn, what was that?  I can’t afford basic amenities, Lord.  You know I am not afraid of hard work.

I confess to being dishonest with money.  I feel the weight of it sometimes so heavily and I want so badly to be free from constantly worrying about it, feeling guilty for every dollar I spend, being angry because I’m stuck at a job that gives me so little, not being able to find work I feel I deserve.  I want to be able to contribute to my church.  I want to be able to buy my family birthday gifts. I want to be able to pay for repairs on my truck that’s falling apart.  Surely you would not deny your servant the simple ability to provide for himself? 

Here I am.  Wondering what it is this time that’s keeping me from seeing.  I am begging you, Lord.  It is time to break the cycle of frustration and despair.  Any time spent worrying about money is wasted time.  It tears up my body from the inside out and I want freedom from its wrenching claws.  I want to be a man who seeks Your kingdom, not the things of the earth.  I want to own my true identity in You, God.

The Bounce

Every so often I find I need to kind of recalibrate, you know, do a factory reset on my brain.  Some things get out of whack and emotions come in and distort everything to the point where nothing makes any sense and it’s time for a head check.

Recently an old friend from out of town came to visit.  I love her like a sister and will always have a soft spot for her, but like all family is capable of, she can really get to me sometimes. 

Jill is an enabler and a fixer.  I like to vent my issues to just about everyone and make my conclusions up as I go.  What happens when we get together sometimes is she tries to come in like mama bird and tell me how to get better, and all I’m looking for is a friend to listen.

I admit I’ve been in a little funk lately, but I can say that my mood swings are getting a lot less frequent and less damaging to those around me.  As I grow up and into my walk with Christ I am able to see some of these things clearer and work on them. 

So last week I was feeling overwhelmed with life and my complete lack of finances, and when a couple other random things came at me I was already on the ropes.  I fell.  I got pissed off, then depressed, and somebody told me something that I already knew, was already feeling, but somehow just could not find the strength to do.  Read the Bible.

Seek God.  Why does it have to be hardest to seek Him when you need Him most?  That’s just the way it is, I suppose.  So here I am.  I have come full circle, feeling more confident than I have recently, though.  The downward spiral which used to consume my life for weeks at a time, now usually last a couple days.  It’s not me, it’s Him.

I used to wallow in my self destructive pity and rage, hating myself.  Imagine that if you can.  Truly hating your own body, your personality, who you are, your character.  It’s just like you’re giving God the finger.  So every now and then, I need to hit the reset button.  I need to remember that I am created by my Father who loves me and chose this life for me because He loves me.  The God of the Universe who created creation loves me, what else matters?