Really?!?!

So I’m smack dab in the middle of week 2 KILLING myself at the gym.  I have taken only one day off.  I’m not eating burgers and shakes at my work, I’ve nearly cut out soda, and no more late night snacks.  My work out partner is an active duty military man who literally pushes me to the point of puking. 

I decided (against my better judgment) to hop on the scale at the end of our two hour shoulder onslaught today only to find that in the span of 11 days that I have GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!  Mother $%&*$&!!! 

What is wrong with my body?  I do cardio to the point my legs start to buckle, I watch what I eat, I train really hard…  I know it’s only been 11 days, but what about those fat people at the Biggest Loser?  They put up serious numbers the first couple weeks. 

I do feel pretty good, though, especially after a good workout.  Kinda like the Incredible Hulk.  Grrrr.  Wish I looked like the Hulk.  Only not green.  Anyway – I still get winded going up two flights of stairs, and you know, it would just be nice to start to see the hard work paying off. 

Hebrews talks about all the people in the Bible who kept the faith, even through prison and martyrdom.  All the people who remained faithful to Jesus even though they never got to see the promises He made fulfilled here on earth.  I think I need to go back there and find inspiration.

Self Destruction and the Devil

Sometimes I get angry.  It seems to come from inside me, but does it?  In a moment I can go from ok to pissed, then, if unchecked, right into fury.  I am starting to notice familiar patterns where this is concerned, though, and it makes me wonder if it’s even me at all.

I am pretty good at beating myself up.  I’m ugly, I’m fat, I have nothing to offer anyone, I’m immature, and I don’t love God enough.  See?  I know everyone deals with these issues, its part of the human condition, but it’s when I am feeling especially beat up by these feelings that the evil one (I call him Mr. Black) sneaks in.

I don’t even know he’s there, but his footholds are the very things that shake my foundations, my self worth, and confidence.  He uses those things to find a place to strike when I’m vulnerable, whenever that is.  It isn’t always anger either, Mr. B uses depression masterfully.  Whether I’m struck with a case of the F*#@ its, or I just feel like crawling into my bed for the next hundred years.

Recently my mom has been encouraging me to just give EVERYTHING to God.  In the very moment things start to go south, stop, give it up, and replace it with a spiritual truth.  “Even though you don’t feel it right at that moment and you have to do it through clenched teeth,” she said, it will have the desired effect.  Something to do with reprogramming your neural pathways. 

It amazes me sometimes how things we seem to have known already, maybe even for years, can suddenly take on a whole new life for us.  I attribute that to He who makes all things new.  They are like little gifts, the revelations He gives you.  Sometimes they are warm and fuzzy and other times they shatter your perception of life. 

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, for better or worse, I like to communicate and know where other people are coming from.  I am not good at reading people, so that’s probably why I like conversation so much.  Some of the best conversations happen when you are getting to know someone for the first time, I love those.  Even though it seems a bit like talking to myself, this blog has been good for me.  It helps me work stuff out and learn to be pretty open and vulnerable.  Thanks for reading if you do, and, if you do, let’s talk.  Good conversation, good coffee, good people, there are some pretty amazing things God has given us to share in this life, so why don’t we?

Heavy

Monica, my boss at Kidd Valley, is a pretty cool chick.  She’s only a couple years older than me, she’s a single mom, ex musician, and she has been with Kidd Valley for something like 20 years.  She recently started Weight Watchers with a friend and has lost over 40 lbs.  We talk about dieting and encourage each other about working out and being healthy.  We also talk about Biggest Loser and she brought up the new show Heavy. 

Last night, after I thought I permanently screwed up my back in the gym, I shuffled to my car.  You know the kind of walk where you’re trying not to use ANY core muscles but you’re spasming anyway?  Once I was able to sit, I was ok.  Got home and On Demanded the show Heavy. 

I literally had tears in my eyes the whole time.  I work at a place that might as well be handing out little slow death pills.  An average meal can consist of over 2000 calories with over 50g saturated fat.  Most of my customers are overweight.  Most of my country is overweight.  I am overweight. 

I have made a commitment to myself to get healthy and I have been following through with that commitment.  I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to change and how most of your problems are psychological.  I know what kind of work it takes to initiate the change and I really feel for the people who feel hopeless.  I want to help them somehow. 

Maybe God is trying to show me something, I don’t know.  I just know the first step is to get myself right.  It’s a long, hard battle, but I’m already fighting it.

Love

Went to a marriage seminar yesterday given by Epic Life Church.  Although there was a ton of useful information about relationships in general, I don’t know if I agree fully on their opinions of love.  I have never had a Christ centered relationship with a girl, so I couldn’t speak on it with authority, but I have had long term relationships, and I have been in love, very much.

I understand that God IS love and that love in its truest form (Agape) is unconditional and bigger than I can imagine.  The love that I have experienced (Eros) has felt plenty overwhelming at times to me, and still lingers for a couple people years later.  I don’t want to have residual feelings for these women whom I don’t even have any contact with now.  We have all moved on with our lives.  My question is, if that love isn’t real, and is supposed to die after two years, then why do I still carry these emotions?

I also understand now that if you allow yourself to take your relationships beyond a certain point, that you are imprinting that person forever into you.  Done.   Now, no matter where you go, what you do, for the rest of your life, you will carry that person around in your head forever.  What you don’t have any control over is when this person will suddenly appear in your mind.  During an intimate moment with your new spouse, in the middle of a Sunday church service, etc…

I don’t know.  I will look for the answers in the Bible.  I am excited by the topic and I am thankful for the talk.  I am a pretty emotional person, though I try not to inflict them so much on others.  And I am selfish.  I want love.  From the awkward first few months to the getting to know you deep conversations, to the can’t imagine life without you.  I want to share my life with someone who truly understands me, and who I can grow alongside, who will lift me up as I lift her.  I want to give my life to a God and a girl who I love so completely and passionately that it oozes out my pores.

You can’t help but wonder if that person is out there right now.  Is it someone I already know?  If so, can she really see the true me?  Am I the example right now that I want to be for God, for the church?  Am I able to see her for who she truly is?  Am I open to the Lords direction, His will in this?  When I look around and see my friends, guys and girls, I wonder who God will choose for them.  I can hardly wait to meet Dave’s wife.  If Dave is that important in my life and such a dear friend, then his wife will truly be someone special, you know?

It’s all so exciting and can’t ever happen fast enough, so in the mean time, sweet wife, whoever you are, I already love you, you bring me so much joy just knowing you’re out there waiting for me.  I promise to be true, to love, honor and cherish you, never to stop pursuing you, to grow in my walk with Christ so that I can be strong for you.  I will pray for you daily, for your relationship with Christ, for your health and wellbeing, for your family – present and future, for your children whom you’ve yet to meet. 

A Psalm Of Brokenness

See me.

I am a body, hands and feet.

I have a will to suit me.

Mine is a mastery of indulgence

Under the guise of freedom,

Denying myself little

In the pursuit of happiness;

Exhausted, alone and afraid.

Things I’ve done

Don’t scare me half as much

As when you see me.

I can’t meet your eyes.

You are not like the rest, you see my heart.

Your honesty shines like a torch

To burn through the secret of night

And all her lies.

Before you I am humbled,

On my knees, overcome;

Enveloped by the intensity

Of your passionate love.

Hear my cry, my King,

Let your Spirit take root in my soul.

Shine through my vessel

With the light of a million stars.

Let me give voice to your word

To all who would hear,

Praise to your name

For the rest of my years;

Restore the gift of life

To your lost lamb as you take my hand.

Lead me on the path

That I might be closer always to you.

35

Well, here it is, the big day.  Of course you never really feel older, it's kind of a mental adjustment you make (or not) to accept certain inescapable truths.  I am older.  I am closer to death, the end of this life as I know it.  My opportunities are fewer, the possible outcomes of my life have shrunk even further.  Hopefully, I have gained a little more wisdom and understanding.  Along with that, humility, grace and the kind of temperance that comes with age.  I know that I appreciate things more.  From the simplest gestures, to the grandest notions.  Sometimes it overwhelms me to the point I am glad there is no one around to see the tears in my eyes.  Most of all, in my moments of utmost clarity, I am just so thankful.  Thankful to be here at all.  To have ears to hear beautiful music, to have eyes to see creations majesty, to have a heart that longs for love, for the primal beast inside me that loves the thundering roar of gargantuan drums.

So... as I am supposed to have achieved a certain level of maturity (insert smart ass remark) I have committed to getting back into shape.  I joined a gym and have been attempting to do at least some cardio training daily.  I worked out with my friend Brent yesterday for almost two hours.  I wish I could work with him every day.  It is inspiring to work with him and I appreciate his heart.  I have to confess, though, I get easily discouraged in that place because there are mirrors everywhere and all I can see is how far I have let myself go and the distance to where I want to be seems utterly insurmountable.

A word about fat.  I have pretty much always been a little overweight.  Not obese, but a few extra pounds.  A couple years ago I quit smoking and over the next several months, I gained almost 80 pounds.  I am six foot three inches tall, and even in my best shape in High School football, I weighed close to 250.  I was pretty lean.  Since then I have hovered around 275 until recently.  Now I weigh in at 350.  Thats Biggest Loser contestant big.

No one ever says, "I'm gonna get fat."  For whatever reason, you adopt eating as your escape and comfort, and start to withdraw from the world.  You stop going out and being active, doing the things that keep you healthy and in reasonable shape until one magic day, you look in the mirror and realize what you've really done.  The other thong you don't realize is that you have become the person you have made all kinds of judgments against in the past.  People now look at you differently and begin to write you off, even your closest friends treat you differently, though they might not even realize it.

A word about me.  I have always, and will likely continue, to do things the hard way.  I create the problems in my life that require the most effort to overcome.  I started smoking, which any addict will tell you, is one of the hardest addictions to beat.  I let my body go.  I now face the daunting task of re sculpting the body that I was given to take care of and protect as the house of God who dwells in me.  This too, is incredibly hard and just like smoking, will require some serious spiritual assistance.

I would ask for your prayers in my efforts to get healthy.  I feel like there is a whole other me that most of my friends don't even know, and he's hiding inside me somewhere.  I realize there are parts of me that are gone forever and growing up is a virus we all must one day succumb to.  Just not.......quite.........yet.......

Company

You never said you wanted anything from me;

A soft return for another quiet morning,

the early fog a gift,

Sheltering breakfast without words.

It’s ok to be, enjoy the company;

Even if it means someone is crying

Somewhere, all alone.

These are the choices I have made

This is my life

Here is the place where I am free

To be just me

Sunday morning,

Sunday, I love you;

I wasn’t sure at all Monday

If I’d ever see you again.

But my worries have all been slept away

At least for half a day,

As good a place to be as any.

The pieces of my heart

Are coming together now;

It’s gonna take time,

And I wonder if you’ll still be here

Especially when it’s not pretty?

For now I suppose it’s good enough,

I’ll take what I can get.

These are the choices I have made

This is my life

Here is me, I am free

To be

The Servant

From out of the ground

The body of man

Breath of life and consciousness

Still he returns

To the ground again

His bones the dust

Kicked up by another’s feet

All the moments of a life

Piled one onto another

Amount to nothing

No tangible evidence

Of existence

To whom then

Will you give your praise

If everything amounts to nothing

And the sum of all things

Is zero

How then does anything matter

Truly

In the face of such emptiness

The only true happiness I have found

In these, my days above ground

Is in the service of others

Plans

The bad days…

Starting to outnumber the good;

I’m having to make stuff up

To fill in the empty spaces

Where nothing seems to fit.

If I called for help, would you?

We could pretend for a while;

You don’t have to love me.

Would you, for me,

Let me into you again?

Our grand schemes always

Seemed to evaporate

In the new light of dawn;

Leaving us drained, dull.

Reluctant, I’ll learn my way again;

Crawl back into my old skin.

Unremarkable

There’s no name for what I’m feeling;

Dull, uncomfortable and restless

Without the will for action.

Defeated?  Maybe.  With a deeper sense

Of loss;  I am convicted in my loneliness

And there is no one – at least whom I know

To pull me out, dry me off

I don’t know why I stray

Sometimes so far away from me.

My mind on walkabout through the clouds;

Eyes watery, losing focus I seize

Familiar trappings. 

Their warm glow like a siren’s call

Wooing me from the shelves;

Crying out to my consuming nature,

It’s safe here, everything will be ok.

nube

I have been reading some peoples blogs lately and have been inspired to start my own.  I was talking to a friend at church today and realized that blogging is kind of a cool way to get to know people you can't always spend the time face to face hanging out with. My work schedule keeps me busy every night of the week and our church body seems to be expanding at such a rate that one can't possibly know everybody.

So...About me, I am turning 35 on Friday.  I have spent the past fifteen years pursuing a career in music.  I have spent most of my adult life living for the moment, not really ever thinking about the future, or living for anyone but me and whatever I felt like doing at the time.

When I turned 30, I started to take stock of my life. It became clear to me that whatever I accomplished would be ultimately futile, since I was only out to fulfill whatever my current desire happened to be, and that this would not benefit anyone but me.  I would simply be another self indulgent me monkey striving for personal gain while ignoring the bigger picture.

I have known God since I was little.  Let me rephrase that, I have known about God since I was little.  I was raised in a Christian home, taken to church, even had some really amazing Christian friends.  But I never really knew God.  I have always believed, just a gut instinct kind of feeling, but I was never willing to turn my life over to a God I didn't really know.

What I didn't realize was although I had dismissed God, He had not given up on me.  He had always placed people in my life to remind me that He would never give up on me.  Throughout the years He has been ever present and always welcomed me back when I needed Him.

Now, as I have come back once again, this time putting His word to the test and accepting His will for my life, I have begun to understand this creator who made me what I am.  I have seen His work in my life and in the lives of others.  Life never ceases to be a struggle for me and though I am closer to the Lord than I have ever been, I still feel abandoned, hopeless and frustration roars up so huge inside me I want to rage.

No matter what I've done, no matter where I am, I always feel like I am at the base of the mountain whose peak is far beyond my ability so see, or even know.  As I lift my foot from the ground and take the first step again in faith, I remember the words of King Solomon from Ecclesiastes 2;

 ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.