35

Well, here it is, the big day.  Of course you never really feel older, it's kind of a mental adjustment you make (or not) to accept certain inescapable truths.  I am older.  I am closer to death, the end of this life as I know it.  My opportunities are fewer, the possible outcomes of my life have shrunk even further.  Hopefully, I have gained a little more wisdom and understanding.  Along with that, humility, grace and the kind of temperance that comes with age.  I know that I appreciate things more.  From the simplest gestures, to the grandest notions.  Sometimes it overwhelms me to the point I am glad there is no one around to see the tears in my eyes.  Most of all, in my moments of utmost clarity, I am just so thankful.  Thankful to be here at all.  To have ears to hear beautiful music, to have eyes to see creations majesty, to have a heart that longs for love, for the primal beast inside me that loves the thundering roar of gargantuan drums.

So... as I am supposed to have achieved a certain level of maturity (insert smart ass remark) I have committed to getting back into shape.  I joined a gym and have been attempting to do at least some cardio training daily.  I worked out with my friend Brent yesterday for almost two hours.  I wish I could work with him every day.  It is inspiring to work with him and I appreciate his heart.  I have to confess, though, I get easily discouraged in that place because there are mirrors everywhere and all I can see is how far I have let myself go and the distance to where I want to be seems utterly insurmountable.

A word about fat.  I have pretty much always been a little overweight.  Not obese, but a few extra pounds.  A couple years ago I quit smoking and over the next several months, I gained almost 80 pounds.  I am six foot three inches tall, and even in my best shape in High School football, I weighed close to 250.  I was pretty lean.  Since then I have hovered around 275 until recently.  Now I weigh in at 350.  Thats Biggest Loser contestant big.

No one ever says, "I'm gonna get fat."  For whatever reason, you adopt eating as your escape and comfort, and start to withdraw from the world.  You stop going out and being active, doing the things that keep you healthy and in reasonable shape until one magic day, you look in the mirror and realize what you've really done.  The other thong you don't realize is that you have become the person you have made all kinds of judgments against in the past.  People now look at you differently and begin to write you off, even your closest friends treat you differently, though they might not even realize it.

A word about me.  I have always, and will likely continue, to do things the hard way.  I create the problems in my life that require the most effort to overcome.  I started smoking, which any addict will tell you, is one of the hardest addictions to beat.  I let my body go.  I now face the daunting task of re sculpting the body that I was given to take care of and protect as the house of God who dwells in me.  This too, is incredibly hard and just like smoking, will require some serious spiritual assistance.

I would ask for your prayers in my efforts to get healthy.  I feel like there is a whole other me that most of my friends don't even know, and he's hiding inside me somewhere.  I realize there are parts of me that are gone forever and growing up is a virus we all must one day succumb to.  Just not.......quite.........yet.......