Sometimes I get angry. It seems to come from inside me, but does it? In a moment I can go from ok to pissed, then, if unchecked, right into fury. I am starting to notice familiar patterns where this is concerned, though, and it makes me wonder if it’s even me at all.
I am pretty good at beating myself up. I’m ugly, I’m fat, I have nothing to offer anyone, I’m immature, and I don’t love God enough. See? I know everyone deals with these issues, its part of the human condition, but it’s when I am feeling especially beat up by these feelings that the evil one (I call him Mr. Black) sneaks in.
I don’t even know he’s there, but his footholds are the very things that shake my foundations, my self worth, and confidence. He uses those things to find a place to strike when I’m vulnerable, whenever that is. It isn’t always anger either, Mr. B uses depression masterfully. Whether I’m struck with a case of the F*#@ its, or I just feel like crawling into my bed for the next hundred years.
Recently my mom has been encouraging me to just give EVERYTHING to God. In the very moment things start to go south, stop, give it up, and replace it with a spiritual truth. “Even though you don’t feel it right at that moment and you have to do it through clenched teeth,” she said, it will have the desired effect. Something to do with reprogramming your neural pathways.
It amazes me sometimes how things we seem to have known already, maybe even for years, can suddenly take on a whole new life for us. I attribute that to He who makes all things new. They are like little gifts, the revelations He gives you. Sometimes they are warm and fuzzy and other times they shatter your perception of life.
I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, for better or worse, I like to communicate and know where other people are coming from. I am not good at reading people, so that’s probably why I like conversation so much. Some of the best conversations happen when you are getting to know someone for the first time, I love those. Even though it seems a bit like talking to myself, this blog has been good for me. It helps me work stuff out and learn to be pretty open and vulnerable. Thanks for reading if you do, and, if you do, let’s talk. Good conversation, good coffee, good people, there are some pretty amazing things God has given us to share in this life, so why don’t we?
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