Provision

My absent companion beckons softly

Unknown but for splendor in imagination;

Buried inside a hopeless tomb

Where I am secret, out of sight.

She remains always tragically aloof

Mysterious, vacant from my embrace;

A whispering incantation

Taunting cruelly.

Would I have eyes to see her

As straining toward a distant light?

I am forsaken in love,

Weathered and weary with the passage of time.

Alone I struggle against an idea

Without form or substance;

Plagues of inadequacy and doubt, fear and depression

Stifling my very breath in the emptiness of night.

Firestorms of youthful fervor

Flicker now in solitary abandon;

Still my prayers ascend ever vigilant

Despite the doubts of a wounded heart.

I ask openly, exposed,

For even a glimpse of her,

As magnificent and lovely as she must be;

My haunting enigma.

Amazing Grace

When I first moved to Seattle I had what I thought was a dream job working in the drum shop at Guitar Center in Lynnwood.  I had charge of my own drum shop and nearly autonomous control of over 100K in drums.  I began to build relationships with people and get plugged into the community as a result.  One of the amazing people I got to know was Mike.  He and I shared similar vision for improving drum hardware and product design.  Mike actually went so far as to build his own hardware and modify existing gear to fit his personal needs.  I admired his intensity and his passion for the craft as well as his vision for the future.  As far as experiences went, he is someone who has lived a crazy unique life, seemingly full of adventures, ups and downs and everything in between.

As the Lord would have it (explanation later) we ended up as roommates for a time in lovely Everett.  We had some intense conversations about life and the meaning of, God, etc…  Mike is a rare kind of man.  He has risen above so many things that would have destroyed lesser men, and he has done it time and again.  He is extremely intelligent yet down to earth.  He has a strong sense of self and he owns his life with an impenetrable confidence.  He has no tolerance for bullshit.  He has a vitality that belies his age and I look up to him.  Our debates would always seem to hit a brick wall at the concept of faith.  Looking back now, I can clearly see the gaping hole in his life.  The hole that can only be filled with the love of Jesus.

I was in the beginning stages of a debilitating life crash that Christ would use to bring me back to the church and to Epic Life.  Mike and I were not really compatible housemates and our time together came to an abrupt end which resulted in us not talking for about two years.  From time to time I would think about Mike with regret for the way I acted, things I’d done or hadn’t done.  I need to point out that I was not living as a Christ follower when I knew Mike.  I have said that I’ve always been a believer, just not an example. 

Today I get a call from Mike who tracked me down through mutual acquaintances.  Instantly I felt compelled to apologize for the way our relationship ended, so I did.  He responded with an apology of his own and told me all was forgiven because I had been directly responsible for him becoming a Christian. 

I lost it.  Just started crying like a baby.  I have prayed for the opportunity to bring His love to someone, a chance to answer the great commission.  This is the might and power of my God.  He speaks into hearts through wretches like me, not to fulfill some desire of mine, but for the glory of the kingdom of Heaven.  Even our lowest points in life where we are lost and all hope is abandoned, when we can’t help but f things up and we are not even thinking about Him,  Even those things He will use for the Glory of God almighty.  In all things praise Him, my friends, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds, because if our God if for us, then what could stand against?

Pixie Dust

Ok.  I have been praying for companionship for a while, you know, someone pretty who smells good, who likes me and wants to spend time with me.  It can be pretty easy to get swept up in all the hooking up going on around here, too.  God has pointed out to me, though, that I am not 25 years old anymore.  He has also shown me that even though I may have a lot of experience dating and with relationships, being in a committed Christ centered relationship is something I have no experience with.

I am on average a decade older that most of the Epic set and I realize I’m prone to be a little more stuck in my ways.  I am still learning to accept my new self and to forgive my own past without dwelling there on that person.  I also know there is a certain amount of wisdom that can only come through living life.  (Not that I am wise by any means)  I am thankful for the youthful spirit of this body and how they have been a revitalizing influence on me.  I just need to find that balance of who I am in Epic.

Thinking about girls and the possibility of settling down the other day suddenly filled me with crippling anxiety and fear.  “What is going on?” I asked myself.  Somehow the curtains were drawn open and I saw myself with a family and the reality of it scared the $#!* out of me.  “Wow,” I thought.  Then I recalled a conversation I’d had recently where I said “If I have a family at some point and I get all depressed reminiscing about the good old days of bachelor carefree living and how the stress of family life just seems too overwhelming, I hope the single me shows up and kicks me square in the junk.” 

Being single sucks.  God has a reason for everything, I get it.  That doesn’t mean I have to like it. 

Back to the topic.  It is intimidating to say the least, to approach dating someone with the mentality of seeking a spouse.  This is not how we are taught by the world to view dating.  Instead we are just casually browsing the babe department and trying out different relationships until we find one that fits.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be!  God has chosen our mates and we need to pay attention to life in order to see that. 

Of course it’s intimidating when you see an attractive member of the opposite sex and you start to get excited, but then you get a flash of marriage and kids and the whole kit and caboodle.  It is supposed to be that way.  It’s intimidating because it is important.  This is not something to be taken lightly or on a whim.  You need to take the time to invest in the relationship before it is even a relationship.  Do you really want to decide who to date (sorry, marry) because they have a cute tush and a nice smile?  What about who they are truly?  Do they need to work some internal crap out that might ultimately destroy your relationship?  Are they right with God?

I have a little Peter Pan Syndrome.  I don’t wanna grow up.  The Lord is beside me with His hand gently on my back, urging me forward, and I am reluctantly inching along while looking back over my shoulder.  I like being a kid.  Being a kid is easy, but it doesn’t bring true happiness and it is self serving.  I made a commitment to my Father and I am learning how to honor it through Him.  Yeah, marriage is a little scary, but the flip side to that coin is that my Father who created me has also put on this earth my custom made companion.  My soul mate with whom I get to share this life with.  I can’t wait to meet her and I know all I can do is remain prayerfully vigilant, ask for the wisdom to follow the path He has set for me so that one day I might find her, and when I do that I would have the strength to be the Christ loving man of her dreams.

The Body

I was reflecting the other day on the events of the day thus far, the typical Sunday for me with Epic Life Church.  I usually get up around 6:30am so I can load up instruments from the Axis and be at the theater by 7:15.  Set up for the band takes over an hour of combined work by the band plus five or more extra volunteers.  As we’re doing our sound check, another crew is setting up children’s church and still others are putting sandwich boards out, setting up tables and coffee in the lobby, etc…

This week we were absent our Lead Pastor, but our “Leader” still showed up in a big way.  One of the things I think is so special about our little church is that most of the people who attend are involved in some way in running it.  Our service to attendance ratio is huge.  That speaks volumes about the path we are on being ordained, our leaders being called and our mission being true.

Watching our body step in to fill the gaps is so cool.  It’s not just Sundays either, some ones got a car that needs work, it gets fixed at little to no charge.  If you’ve got some home repairs that you need help with, a ride to the airport, it’s all taken care of.  That’s the body of Christ taking care of itself in order to remain healthy and strong, because if we can’t take care of our self, how are we to spread the love of Christ in our community?

I just wanted to acknowledge everyone and spread some love around.  You are special, you are loved and you are a light in the darkness, Epic Life.  I can’t even tell you with words.  I wish I could just give the whole church a big hug and buy you stuff or grant each of you a wish or something.  

Its Been A While

I confess to writing a couple times and deciding not to post because of the people who read this stuff.  I guess that knowing who some of you are has me editing myself maybe more than I would have intended.  Not to worry.  I resolved not to care what you think about me and post whatever the hell I feel like.  Who are you to judge me?

I am taking a lot onto my plate lately.  I work a full time job 5 nights a week that, for the most part, I loathe.  I have music practice once or twice a week, I attend 2 House Churches, one I will be leading, one I co-lead.  I am also a House Church Pastor Coach, which means I keep in touch with a group of Pastors regularly.  I am on the Design Team for organizing and planning Sunday Gatherings, I usually set up and tear down at Services, I am involved in a few intentional mentor/mentee relationships, I am an Editor/Administrator for our monthly Journal, and I have been volunteering down at our garden project a couple times a week. 

I try to manage all this with prayer time, reading the Bible as well as any devotional or educational literature that I am supposed to be reading at the moment, and keeping a quasi-regular schedule at the gym while also trying not to eat junk : )

In reality, some of these things get dropped, ignored, forgotten about completely.  I don’t have a schedule I stick to, no long term goals at the moment, and I am under the mistaken impression that things will somehow get better.  I am drowning in life and blindly hoping for a miracle.  How can someone who sucks at faith have such high hopes?  Does that even make sense?  How is hope different than faith?

I guess its action.  Hope doesn’t require anything from me.  Faith demands that I take action.  I don’t possess the power to accomplish anything great on my own, and I know that.  I have experienced great things through the help of God, and I know when it comes down to it, He will do the hard stuff.  I have seen it in my own life, so why is it so hard to have faith?  He says, “Ask and it shall be given freely…”

Pray for faith for me brothers and sisters.  Pray for wisdom.  I need all the help I can get, TTFN.  Check ya later

blank

I spy an empty book

Waiting for a story to hold

A pane of glass

Waiting for a stone to be thrown

In the breaking

A new composition

So I will be torn

In an effort to change

Who’s to say where

A man’s fortune lies

Behind the pale stare

Of his hardened eyes

In his chest a rhythm

Beating powerful and true

You can’t put your hands

On the genuine measure of a man

I offer myself up

Knowing I am not enough

Somehow, through grace

I am redeemed,

All my transgressions forgiven.

Guilt still plagues my heart

It knows I deserve not

So I struggle each moment

Crippled with doubt

Identity

You know, one would think that as you invest in a life centered around Christ, reading your Bible, attending gatherings to be taught, spending time around people who share your beliefs and challenge you to continue your growth, that it might just become a little easier as you go…  Nope.  It actually feels like it gets harder.  I guess you begin to see all the little areas in your life that need improvement and if you don’t have a solid faith base, it can become overwhelming really quickly.

The good Lord, in all His wisdom, has been stripping me down pretty good lately.  I didn’t understand why certain things were happening in my life (or not happening).  I have been a Christian for a while, made the change to be with Epic Life Church two years ago and rededicated my life to Him.  I confessed my ignorance and inability to live a worthy life by my own power, and gave the reigns over. 

My life has changed dramatically (from the inside).  I can see growth in certain areas of my life and I will tell you that it is ALL because of God.  One of the things that got me to that point a couple years ago was financial trouble.  I’ve since had my truck repossessed, lost my cool apartment, broken up with the girlfriend, etc…  And I am still crippled by a lack of money.  Right???

God has been showing me, by taking things away from me that I think are important, that I need to find my identity first in Him.   It’s like Christianity 101.  Some of these things are harder than others to let go of.  I want to be free from them because I know they become false idols and they stand between me and my Creator.  I am not a drummer, I am a child of God who has been given the gift of musicianship.  I am not my occupation, I am a brother of Christ and my labor is a tribute to Him who died for my sins and a testament to my faith to those around me.  I do not need great wealth, my Lord will provide me with everything I need.

As we are taught in James to rejoice even in our trials, I have faith (although I’m not really rejoicing to be honest) that I am where I am for a reason, and that God does have a plan to provide me with the thongs I need.  I know from experience that if I can’t see it, then it usually means I have put things between me and God that obscure my vision.  I feel changes on the horizon, though.  As we (Epic I mean) move into another season of growth, I sense my own part in whatever He has planned for us.  I only hope I can rise to meet the challenges in a way that truly honors God and helps to bring others closer to Him. 

So, without being angry with God, I feel like some of the people from the Bible who cry out to Him in frustration.  “What, Lord?  What would you have me do?”  I have sought the answer through service, by things like working in our community garden.  I was happy to help and the work served as its own reward…  And it ended up costing me money I needed to pay my bills.  When I had to use more bill money to replace my work clothes that got torn, what was that?  I can’t afford basic amenities, Lord.  You know I am not afraid of hard work.

I confess to being dishonest with money.  I feel the weight of it sometimes so heavily and I want so badly to be free from constantly worrying about it, feeling guilty for every dollar I spend, being angry because I’m stuck at a job that gives me so little, not being able to find work I feel I deserve.  I want to be able to contribute to my church.  I want to be able to buy my family birthday gifts. I want to be able to pay for repairs on my truck that’s falling apart.  Surely you would not deny your servant the simple ability to provide for himself? 

Here I am.  Wondering what it is this time that’s keeping me from seeing.  I am begging you, Lord.  It is time to break the cycle of frustration and despair.  Any time spent worrying about money is wasted time.  It tears up my body from the inside out and I want freedom from its wrenching claws.  I want to be a man who seeks Your kingdom, not the things of the earth.  I want to own my true identity in You, God.