Its Been A While

I confess to writing a couple times and deciding not to post because of the people who read this stuff.  I guess that knowing who some of you are has me editing myself maybe more than I would have intended.  Not to worry.  I resolved not to care what you think about me and post whatever the hell I feel like.  Who are you to judge me?

I am taking a lot onto my plate lately.  I work a full time job 5 nights a week that, for the most part, I loathe.  I have music practice once or twice a week, I attend 2 House Churches, one I will be leading, one I co-lead.  I am also a House Church Pastor Coach, which means I keep in touch with a group of Pastors regularly.  I am on the Design Team for organizing and planning Sunday Gatherings, I usually set up and tear down at Services, I am involved in a few intentional mentor/mentee relationships, I am an Editor/Administrator for our monthly Journal, and I have been volunteering down at our garden project a couple times a week. 

I try to manage all this with prayer time, reading the Bible as well as any devotional or educational literature that I am supposed to be reading at the moment, and keeping a quasi-regular schedule at the gym while also trying not to eat junk : )

In reality, some of these things get dropped, ignored, forgotten about completely.  I don’t have a schedule I stick to, no long term goals at the moment, and I am under the mistaken impression that things will somehow get better.  I am drowning in life and blindly hoping for a miracle.  How can someone who sucks at faith have such high hopes?  Does that even make sense?  How is hope different than faith?

I guess its action.  Hope doesn’t require anything from me.  Faith demands that I take action.  I don’t possess the power to accomplish anything great on my own, and I know that.  I have experienced great things through the help of God, and I know when it comes down to it, He will do the hard stuff.  I have seen it in my own life, so why is it so hard to have faith?  He says, “Ask and it shall be given freely…”

Pray for faith for me brothers and sisters.  Pray for wisdom.  I need all the help I can get, TTFN.  Check ya later

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I spy an empty book

Waiting for a story to hold

A pane of glass

Waiting for a stone to be thrown

In the breaking

A new composition

So I will be torn

In an effort to change

Who’s to say where

A man’s fortune lies

Behind the pale stare

Of his hardened eyes

In his chest a rhythm

Beating powerful and true

You can’t put your hands

On the genuine measure of a man

I offer myself up

Knowing I am not enough

Somehow, through grace

I am redeemed,

All my transgressions forgiven.

Guilt still plagues my heart

It knows I deserve not

So I struggle each moment

Crippled with doubt

Identity

You know, one would think that as you invest in a life centered around Christ, reading your Bible, attending gatherings to be taught, spending time around people who share your beliefs and challenge you to continue your growth, that it might just become a little easier as you go…  Nope.  It actually feels like it gets harder.  I guess you begin to see all the little areas in your life that need improvement and if you don’t have a solid faith base, it can become overwhelming really quickly.

The good Lord, in all His wisdom, has been stripping me down pretty good lately.  I didn’t understand why certain things were happening in my life (or not happening).  I have been a Christian for a while, made the change to be with Epic Life Church two years ago and rededicated my life to Him.  I confessed my ignorance and inability to live a worthy life by my own power, and gave the reigns over. 

My life has changed dramatically (from the inside).  I can see growth in certain areas of my life and I will tell you that it is ALL because of God.  One of the things that got me to that point a couple years ago was financial trouble.  I’ve since had my truck repossessed, lost my cool apartment, broken up with the girlfriend, etc…  And I am still crippled by a lack of money.  Right???

God has been showing me, by taking things away from me that I think are important, that I need to find my identity first in Him.   It’s like Christianity 101.  Some of these things are harder than others to let go of.  I want to be free from them because I know they become false idols and they stand between me and my Creator.  I am not a drummer, I am a child of God who has been given the gift of musicianship.  I am not my occupation, I am a brother of Christ and my labor is a tribute to Him who died for my sins and a testament to my faith to those around me.  I do not need great wealth, my Lord will provide me with everything I need.

As we are taught in James to rejoice even in our trials, I have faith (although I’m not really rejoicing to be honest) that I am where I am for a reason, and that God does have a plan to provide me with the thongs I need.  I know from experience that if I can’t see it, then it usually means I have put things between me and God that obscure my vision.  I feel changes on the horizon, though.  As we (Epic I mean) move into another season of growth, I sense my own part in whatever He has planned for us.  I only hope I can rise to meet the challenges in a way that truly honors God and helps to bring others closer to Him. 

So, without being angry with God, I feel like some of the people from the Bible who cry out to Him in frustration.  “What, Lord?  What would you have me do?”  I have sought the answer through service, by things like working in our community garden.  I was happy to help and the work served as its own reward…  And it ended up costing me money I needed to pay my bills.  When I had to use more bill money to replace my work clothes that got torn, what was that?  I can’t afford basic amenities, Lord.  You know I am not afraid of hard work.

I confess to being dishonest with money.  I feel the weight of it sometimes so heavily and I want so badly to be free from constantly worrying about it, feeling guilty for every dollar I spend, being angry because I’m stuck at a job that gives me so little, not being able to find work I feel I deserve.  I want to be able to contribute to my church.  I want to be able to buy my family birthday gifts. I want to be able to pay for repairs on my truck that’s falling apart.  Surely you would not deny your servant the simple ability to provide for himself? 

Here I am.  Wondering what it is this time that’s keeping me from seeing.  I am begging you, Lord.  It is time to break the cycle of frustration and despair.  Any time spent worrying about money is wasted time.  It tears up my body from the inside out and I want freedom from its wrenching claws.  I want to be a man who seeks Your kingdom, not the things of the earth.  I want to own my true identity in You, God.

The Bounce

Every so often I find I need to kind of recalibrate, you know, do a factory reset on my brain.  Some things get out of whack and emotions come in and distort everything to the point where nothing makes any sense and it’s time for a head check.

Recently an old friend from out of town came to visit.  I love her like a sister and will always have a soft spot for her, but like all family is capable of, she can really get to me sometimes. 

Jill is an enabler and a fixer.  I like to vent my issues to just about everyone and make my conclusions up as I go.  What happens when we get together sometimes is she tries to come in like mama bird and tell me how to get better, and all I’m looking for is a friend to listen.

I admit I’ve been in a little funk lately, but I can say that my mood swings are getting a lot less frequent and less damaging to those around me.  As I grow up and into my walk with Christ I am able to see some of these things clearer and work on them. 

So last week I was feeling overwhelmed with life and my complete lack of finances, and when a couple other random things came at me I was already on the ropes.  I fell.  I got pissed off, then depressed, and somebody told me something that I already knew, was already feeling, but somehow just could not find the strength to do.  Read the Bible.

Seek God.  Why does it have to be hardest to seek Him when you need Him most?  That’s just the way it is, I suppose.  So here I am.  I have come full circle, feeling more confident than I have recently, though.  The downward spiral which used to consume my life for weeks at a time, now usually last a couple days.  It’s not me, it’s Him.

I used to wallow in my self destructive pity and rage, hating myself.  Imagine that if you can.  Truly hating your own body, your personality, who you are, your character.  It’s just like you’re giving God the finger.  So every now and then, I need to hit the reset button.  I need to remember that I am created by my Father who loves me and chose this life for me because He loves me.  The God of the Universe who created creation loves me, what else matters?

Really?!?!

So I’m smack dab in the middle of week 2 KILLING myself at the gym.  I have taken only one day off.  I’m not eating burgers and shakes at my work, I’ve nearly cut out soda, and no more late night snacks.  My work out partner is an active duty military man who literally pushes me to the point of puking. 

I decided (against my better judgment) to hop on the scale at the end of our two hour shoulder onslaught today only to find that in the span of 11 days that I have GAINED 10 POUNDS!!!  Mother $%&*$&!!! 

What is wrong with my body?  I do cardio to the point my legs start to buckle, I watch what I eat, I train really hard…  I know it’s only been 11 days, but what about those fat people at the Biggest Loser?  They put up serious numbers the first couple weeks. 

I do feel pretty good, though, especially after a good workout.  Kinda like the Incredible Hulk.  Grrrr.  Wish I looked like the Hulk.  Only not green.  Anyway – I still get winded going up two flights of stairs, and you know, it would just be nice to start to see the hard work paying off. 

Hebrews talks about all the people in the Bible who kept the faith, even through prison and martyrdom.  All the people who remained faithful to Jesus even though they never got to see the promises He made fulfilled here on earth.  I think I need to go back there and find inspiration.

Self Destruction and the Devil

Sometimes I get angry.  It seems to come from inside me, but does it?  In a moment I can go from ok to pissed, then, if unchecked, right into fury.  I am starting to notice familiar patterns where this is concerned, though, and it makes me wonder if it’s even me at all.

I am pretty good at beating myself up.  I’m ugly, I’m fat, I have nothing to offer anyone, I’m immature, and I don’t love God enough.  See?  I know everyone deals with these issues, its part of the human condition, but it’s when I am feeling especially beat up by these feelings that the evil one (I call him Mr. Black) sneaks in.

I don’t even know he’s there, but his footholds are the very things that shake my foundations, my self worth, and confidence.  He uses those things to find a place to strike when I’m vulnerable, whenever that is.  It isn’t always anger either, Mr. B uses depression masterfully.  Whether I’m struck with a case of the F*#@ its, or I just feel like crawling into my bed for the next hundred years.

Recently my mom has been encouraging me to just give EVERYTHING to God.  In the very moment things start to go south, stop, give it up, and replace it with a spiritual truth.  “Even though you don’t feel it right at that moment and you have to do it through clenched teeth,” she said, it will have the desired effect.  Something to do with reprogramming your neural pathways. 

It amazes me sometimes how things we seem to have known already, maybe even for years, can suddenly take on a whole new life for us.  I attribute that to He who makes all things new.  They are like little gifts, the revelations He gives you.  Sometimes they are warm and fuzzy and other times they shatter your perception of life. 

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, for better or worse, I like to communicate and know where other people are coming from.  I am not good at reading people, so that’s probably why I like conversation so much.  Some of the best conversations happen when you are getting to know someone for the first time, I love those.  Even though it seems a bit like talking to myself, this blog has been good for me.  It helps me work stuff out and learn to be pretty open and vulnerable.  Thanks for reading if you do, and, if you do, let’s talk.  Good conversation, good coffee, good people, there are some pretty amazing things God has given us to share in this life, so why don’t we?

Heavy

Monica, my boss at Kidd Valley, is a pretty cool chick.  She’s only a couple years older than me, she’s a single mom, ex musician, and she has been with Kidd Valley for something like 20 years.  She recently started Weight Watchers with a friend and has lost over 40 lbs.  We talk about dieting and encourage each other about working out and being healthy.  We also talk about Biggest Loser and she brought up the new show Heavy. 

Last night, after I thought I permanently screwed up my back in the gym, I shuffled to my car.  You know the kind of walk where you’re trying not to use ANY core muscles but you’re spasming anyway?  Once I was able to sit, I was ok.  Got home and On Demanded the show Heavy. 

I literally had tears in my eyes the whole time.  I work at a place that might as well be handing out little slow death pills.  An average meal can consist of over 2000 calories with over 50g saturated fat.  Most of my customers are overweight.  Most of my country is overweight.  I am overweight. 

I have made a commitment to myself to get healthy and I have been following through with that commitment.  I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to change and how most of your problems are psychological.  I know what kind of work it takes to initiate the change and I really feel for the people who feel hopeless.  I want to help them somehow. 

Maybe God is trying to show me something, I don’t know.  I just know the first step is to get myself right.  It’s a long, hard battle, but I’m already fighting it.